Reflecting

Do you ever have a moment to just stop and think? Tonight was one of my times to stop and think.

Lately I've been doing a lot of "venting" or complaining about things that haven't gone my way. Tonight I just began to tell myself that it is what it is and I cannot change it especially by venting. Today someone said some things that really got under my skin and instead of going back and telling EVERYONE I just tucked it away and waited till I could tell my husband. I vented and am letting go of it. God has it all in His hands and I am His.

I have also put into practice that if I am thinking negative it means I need to stop and ask God. Yep I truly believe if I am upset, disappointed, hurt, confused or whatever that God has a reason for what caused my feeling in the first place and therefore I need to stop and ask Him why or to take it away.

These past few months I have learned a lot.

1. It's okay to be disappointed- don't get upset or jealous of others
2. One person is not the end all- I only have to please God
3. Try your best and give 100% 
4. If I let myself down don't put myself down
5. Even if I don't speak it I am still judging
6. Be thankful for the little things- this makes the bigger things even better
7. Complaining only takes away from giving 100%
8. Practice makes better not perfect-see I'm learning from my mistakes!
9. Organization is not in my blood
10. I see myself as successful when others notice- a. meaning I brag on myself  b. I get down on myself if I am not in the forefront.

What I am saying with this list is that God is still molding me. He is allowing me to stop and reflect more so that I can "learn" from what I have done. Number 10 has really hit me hard. I never realized that I seek out to be included not because I want to help, but because that is how I gain the feeling of success. If others pick me to help out than I feel like I have done good. If I don't get picked I begin number 4! Satan likes to put doubt in me because it takes my thoughts away from God. I also felt that I needed recognition and affirmation to feel successful.  I need to remember that I am can see my successes when I see gains in my students, when I have made it though another day, when I see my daughter smile, and not only when others compliment me or choose me to help. Sometimes it's better to be doing what your doing without others watching your every move. This way if you make a mistake no one but you and God know!

Thanks God for showing me one of my flaws that You are rubbing away. God is the great potter and I am just a lump of clay.

As I am typing and reflecting I think God has shown me the root of my issues here lately: I feel like I don't matter. This goes back to me needing feedback from higher ups and rewards for doing what I should be doing just because it is my duty. There is no need to feel like I don't matter if no one says anything to me. I matter to me, to God, to my students, and my family.